Inkheart: The Guide
by Your Sugar Sits Untouched
Summary: A guide to how to survive once you've successfully read yourself into Inkheart. Reading the Guide can prevent serious injury and/or death during your vacation to the Inkworld, and is seriously recommended. Includes basic rules, I Will Nots, and bios.
1. Introduction: Receiving the Guide

_You are packed and ready to go. Your copy of Inkheart sits at the edge of you bed, waiting for you to pick it up and read it. Your plan is simple: Read yourself into Inkheart, meet your favorite characters, bug your least favorite characters, and return home after a week._

_ There is suddenly a knock on your window. You turn to see a young girl standing on your window ledge, grinning and waving some sort of guide. Curious, you walk over and open the window for the strange girl._

"_Hello!" she says cheerfully, slipping into your room gracefully. You are too confused to say anything, and look at her blankly instead._

"_So you're going into Inkheart, am I right?" she asks you. You nod slowly. How did she know?_

"_Excellent!" she exclaims, "I've been there multiple times, it's really nice there"_

"_You've actually been there?" you ask her in surprise. The girl nods excitedly._

"_62 times, as a matter of fact. I'm such an expert on the Inkworld, that I've actually written a Guide." You are handed the book the girl had been holding._

**Inkheart: The Guide**

**A Readers Guide to the Inkworld**

**Written by Pink Pigeon**

"_So you're Pink Pigeon from Fan Fiction?" you ask her._

"_The one and only!" she says happily. You begin to flip through the Guide. There were chapters with the laws of Lombrica and Argenta, chapters with character bios, 'I Will Nots' and more._

"_Looks helpful." you comment._

"_Oh, it is! I give a copy to everyone who goes to the Inkworld, and they always come back safely."_

"_That's good."_

"_Yes. Well, there was this one time when Isobel_is_the_best got maimed by the Adderhead, and Chocolate_Cupcake lost her guide and was eaten by Night Mares, but everyone else came back alright."_

_ You stare at the Guide and promise yourself that you won't lose it._

"_Thanks, Pink Pigeon." you say to her, but she's already gone. You shrug and start reading the Guide._

**A/N: So now I'm writing a guide to the Inkworld. I was inspired by The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (great book, BTW) and decided to do a guide for Inkheart, because I know you've all at one point decided to try to read yourselves in, or are planning or reading yourselves in at the moment. So tell me what you think, and make a suggestion for what I should cover in the first chapter.**

**~Pink Pigeon**


	2. Chapter 1: Arrival

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews and suggestions for the Guide. Yes, the suggestions you gave me **_**will**_** be used, but at a later date, because I decided it would be more logical to start the Guide with an explanation on the arrival in the Inkworld. **

**Chapter One: Arrival**

There are three known Arrival stations in the Inkworld: The Wayless Wood (Section Y, Route B [1]) Inn of the Strolling Players, or the Barn Owl's Infirmary. The station you arrive in is based on your need. If unsure of where you wish to go, you arrive in The Wayless Wood, if it's nighttime, or you're hungry, you will appear just outside the Inn. If, however, you are an inexperienced Traveler [2] and stutter over, or forget, a word whilst reading yourself into Inkheart, and become Split [3] you will arrive in the Infirmary, where medical attention will already be waiting.

At each station, there is a Greeter. Greeters aren't actually as nice as they sound, oh no. The Greeter is a hired assassin, who is skilled in everything from torture, to reading and writing, to water polo. They are given a semi-trained Night Mare, and are asked to inspect each Traveler who enters the Inkworld. The Greeter checks your backpack for weapons, which you could sell to the Adder, and makes sure you have a copy of the Guide. If you do not possess the Guide at the time, he will give you a copy. Running away from the Greeter is not wise and has severe consequences.

The Greeter will also offer you a free t-shirt and brochure, showing the tourist attractions in the Inkworld. He will not kill you if you deny the free gifts, or at least he isn't supposed to, so don't be afraid to say no.

Every hour, a tour wagon arrives at the stations to bring visitors to the most important locations of the Inkworld [4]. The tour is recommended for Travelers who only wish to go sightseeing and shopping [5]. Travelers who wish to explore the Inkworld and meet the Characters [6] must go off on their own, and can rent a horse.

Please note that any injuries, loss of possessions, or kidnappings are not the fault of the Guide, or the author. Any questions or concerns about this policy are to be presented to the Greeters.

**Footnotes**

[1] See chapter 10 for explanation of the route placement and naming and detailed map of the Wayless Wood.

[2] See chapter 4 for definition of Traveler and any other unrecognizable term.

[3] See chapter 18 for explanation of becoming Split. Do not read if mere horror novels frighten you.

[4] See chapter 3 for tour times and fees.

[5] The tour does not take tourists to a Character Meet and Greet. This event was closed after Dustfinger was attacked by a band of rabid Fangirls. Too see detailed story and eyewitness accounts, see chapter 24.

[6] Please not that you might want to see the Characters, but the Character probably don't want to see you.

**A/N: Yes, there will be at least 24 chapters, in case you were wondering. I'll just need help coming up with topics for each chapter, so please suggest! Hopefully, the other chapters will be longer; it's just hard to come up with things for Arrival. So, once again, thanks for the reviews and suggestions, and keep them coming!**


	3. Chapter 2: The FireRaisers

**A/N: I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter, I personally wasn't sure about it. Also, thanks for all the reviews and suggestions! Enjoy this chapter!**

**Chapter Two: The Fire-Raisers**

As everyone knows, the Fire-Raisers are Capricorn's evil henchmen who spend their time terrifying locals and travelers in the Woods. There are, however, a few lesser-known facts on the Fire-Raisers that might come in handy if you have the misfortune of meeting them.

Nearly every Fire-Raiser is named Seymour [1]. In an interview with Capricorn, it was learned that he actually did this on purpose. For what reasons, we still don't know.

Fire-Raisers are actually quite kind to visiting tourists, and Capricorn [2] is constantly trying to recruit new Fire-Raisers. You can inquire within the fortress.

They hold a karaoke night every Wednesday and Friday.

There not very smart, and you can easily take advantage of them.

According to a recent survey, 67 percent of the Fire-Raiser sleep with a teddy bear. This is not crucial information, but amusing nonetheless.

For some reason, the word 'lollipop' terrifies them. If a Fire-Raiser ever attacks you, say 'lollipop' and you are guaranteed to be freed.

None of them can write, are very ashamed by this. It is unwise to ever ask for their autograph.

They are unaware of Capricorn's brief death. Mentioning this will confuse them, and you will probably be tortured.

**Footnotes**

[1] There are only 6 Fire-Raisers named differently: Basta, Flatnose, Cockerell, Firefox, the Piper, and Slasher (who is just some random Fire-Raiser briefly mentioned in Inkspell)

[2] Yes, Capricorn IS BACK. The Council [3] decided the Inkworld was boring without him, and he'd make a great attraction, so they convinced Death to send him back

[3] The Council is a group of famous and expert Travelers who control the tourism spots, the Greeters, Arrival stations, and pretty much the entire Inkworld. Pink Pigeon is the Head of the Council

**A/N: I'd just like to wish everyone a Happy New Years! I hope 2009 was a great year for you, and that 2010 will be even better! Please review and suggest!**


	4. Chapter 3: I Will Not

**Chapter Three: I Will Not**

After three long and terrible years of Travellers attacking the characters, causing havoc, and generally doing things they shouldn't, the Council and characters decided to make it necessary to add a chapter in The Guide concerning the rules. Travellers are expected to repeat these rules twice daily, to imprint them in their mind. Fail to abide by them, and you will suffer the consequences.

I will not call Dustfinger a 'pyromaniac'.

I will not sell the Adderhead, or Capricorn for that matter, any weapons from our world.

I will not stalk Dustfinger. He is a married man, after all, and isn't interested in me.

I will not tell Roxane what happened between Dusty and Resa. Even if she'd leave him and I'd have a chance to snag him.

I will not ask Mo for a book of immortality.

I will not barter with Death.

I will not steal Basta's good-luck charms.

The Black Prince's bear is not a puppy. I will not try to pet him and make him do stupid tricks.

I will not suggest Fenoglio join Alcoholics Anonymous.

I will not mimic the Piper's nasally voice. He doesn't appreciate that.

Calling Meggie a Mary Sue is mean, and I will refrain from doing so.

She probably has no idea what a Mary Sue is, anyway.

I will not call Farid 'Fah-rheeeeeeeeeeede' like they do in the movie. It's Fah-rhid.

I will not threaten Basta with fire, he is both physically and emotionally scarred by fire already, and I don't need to make things worse.

I will not try and train a Night-Mare as my pet.

I will not sacrifice the characters I hate to the giants/Night-Mares/fire.

I will not terrorize the masses.

Fenoglio will not write what I want, and Meggie has no intentions of reading it aloud for me. I must stop asking to be with (insert character love interest).

I will not call Capricorn 'Goat'.

I will not buy Basta a black cat for his birthday.

I will not make fun of Darius' speech impediment.

I will not reenact the Adderhead/Capricorn's demise.

Altogether now, it's 'Elinor', not 'Eleanor'.

I will not ask Mo/the Bluejay if 'Polly wants a cracker?".

And finally, I will not disobey these rules.


	5. Chapter 4: The Lingo

**Chapter Four: The Lingo**

It was quickly decided that a new terminology specifically for Travellers and the Guide would have to be created in order for things to make at least a little sense. Tourists were finding it difficult to explain things to each other. 'That weird vortex-but-not-really, black-out, disappearing act or whatever thingy I just used to get here' didn't seem to cut it when it came to descibing Travelling. A sort of dictionary was written in companionship to the Guide [1] and can be found at most Arrival stations and tourist attractions. Pink Pigeon, head of the Council, has been given permission to publish a few excrpts from the book in order to clarify terms perviously mentioned that made you go 'What?'

**Companionship: **_**(n) **_**A series of books written by members of the Council, created specifically to go with the Guide. A more in-depth look at the creation of the 'new-and-improved' Inkworld, the creation of the Council, developping the art of Travelling, and understanding the slang.**

**Canon: **_**(adj) **_**Another word for official, used often to describe a character or relationship that's part of a fandom.**

**Council: **_**(n) **_**A group of elite Travellers and experts on the Inkworld. The Council is considered to be the main political party of the Inkworld and makes most major choices and laws concerning Travelling. **

**Fandom: **_**(n) **_**A sort of fanbase. A spefic category that revolves around one sole thing.**

**Fangirl: **_**(n) **_**Most likely you. A fangirl is a female obsessor of a particular person, commonly Dustfinger to his annoyance. Fangirls are extremely possesive of their idol, and often irritating. There is no known cure to fangirl-ism, but trust me. The Council is working on it.**

**Greeter: **_**(n) **_**Just your typical, friendly neighbourhood assassin. Greets Travellers at Arrival stations throught the Inkworld.**

**Guide: **_**(n) **_**A basic travel read written by the infamous Pink Pigeon. A must-have for all Travellers. No seriously. You'll get arrested if you try Travelling without one.**

**Inkworld: **_**(n) **_**The name just kind of stuck, and Fenoglio never officially named the world that Argenta and Lombrica are part of.**

**Lingo: **_**(n) **_**Officially called Ashajfl-vhxk Mvjsklb, named specifically because the Council found it amusing to listen to people struggle to pronounce it. Just call it 'the Lingo'. That's what everyone else (including the Council) calls it.**

**Mary-Sue: **_**(n)**_** Common description of the Canon character, Meggie Folchart. A person without flaw or reasonable trouble, extremely annoying, and common in fan fiction writing.**

**Reader: **_**(n) **_**Someone with the natural ability to read things and people in and out of books. Not to be confused with Traveller. **

**Split: **_**(v) **_**An excruciatingly painful complication, most common with new Travellers and idiots.**

**Traveller:**_** (n) **_**A person who travels between two seperate worlds, most commonly Earth and Inkworld. Also known as a Land Leaper or 'Them'.**

**Travelling: **_**(v) **_**The indescribable action done by a Traveller to get from one world to the next, most commonly Earth and Inkworld. **

Anything not clarified is not our problem, so suck it up.

**Footnotes:**

[1] There are four official books that are part of the Companionship [2]. A fifth is said to be released sometime soon.

[2] Hey...does anyone want to write one of the books in the Companionship? That would be pretty cool. Message me if you're interested. [3]

[3] I might actually put together the Council. Whoever writes one of the Companionships would be officially part of the Council, but I'll need others. Please note that by being part of the Council, I may be mentioning you throughout the Guide, and I may need you to give me 'witness reports' and such. Again, message me if you're interested.


	6. Chapter 5: Stalking Tips

**A/N: Dude! This is awesome! Someone by the name of LunaPadma **_**actually **_**wrote a companion piece to the Guide! How awesome is that? Go check it out! Want my everlasting gratitude and love? Be awesome like her and request to write a companion story :)**

**Chapter Five: Stalking Tips From A Rabid Fangirl [1]**

Alright, let's just cut the crap and get to the important stuff: sucessfully stalking your fangirl target of choice (ie. Dustfinger).

Face it, it's your main and only reason to visiting the Inkworld. But don't get embarassed, we're all like that. Even the Council in their 'eternal glory' secretly fangirl obsessively over the characters [2]. They just don't want to admit it.

Fangirling is natural. We need to embrace our incredibly romantic desires for fictional characters. And it is for that reason I have put together this little list of stalking tips and instructions.

1. A sucessful stalk is when target doesn't know your watching their every move. This means NO SQUEALING, HUGGING, OR PROCLAIMING YOUR EVERLASTING LOVE TO THEM, as tempting as it seems. This just ruins the whole point of stalking them.

2. Learn your target's frequent whereabouts. Where do they spend the most time? How much time do they typically stay there? etc, etc.

3. Memorize every single detail about them. Innie or outtie, allergies, favorite song, sing in the shower? Not only does it satisfy your fangirl needs, but it creeps them out as well.

4. Leaving anonymous love notes is a great way to subtly inform them they're being stalked by their 'true love'. Go for it.

5. Who cares about age difference? There's no such thing as a pedophile in the Inkworld [3]

6. Pst! Dustfinger lives at Roxane's farm, which is East of Ombra. It's about a two hour walk, and 45 minutes by horse. He's usually there when not in the Wayless Woods, hiding from us, the fangirls, or performing in the city. It's a good idea to visit around 12AM-5:30AM. Roxane's usually asleep by them, and if your going to be fangirling over Dusty, you don't want her to be there. She's incredibly violent when it comes to protecting her husband.

7. Marriage means nothing in the Inkworld. Hey, Dusty had an affair with Resa, and they're both married! Why would it make any difference if he ran off with you all of sudden?

8. Not only is stalking after dark ideal because you are better hidden in the darkness, it also makes everything seem more epic. Ninja rolling adds to the effect.

These tips and instructions should greatly help your stalking technique. Happy stalking, my dear fangirls!

**Footnotes**

[1] OH GOD, HOW'D THIS GET HERE? Wasn't this removed from the Guide years ago? Stupid, account hacking fangirl...Go die in a hole.

[2] That's a lie. Pink Pigeon is not an Inkheart fangirl. She has her eyes set on a character from a different book...

[3] The Council is working to fix this. It's just hard with the fangirl rebellion going on at the moment.


	7. Chapter 7: Inkheart: The MadeUp History

**A/N: The Guide is back.**

**You may now love me forever.**

There are several crucially important things you need to know about the Inkworld in order to survive and stay out of unnecessary trouble. Unfortunately, the author is lazy, and she doesn't feel like telling you. Instead, we're going to talk about the semi made-up history of the Inkworld.

One day, this dude named Fenoglio, which is Italian (I think) for something or other, got really drunk and wrote a book. Unfortunately, he wrote this book during the Dark Age of Publishing, where there was no such thing as standards, and actually got it published.

How unfortunate, eh?

The book's plot wasn't all that bad, when you think about it. A little rough, and could've used a few more details and editing ('flower' is, in fact, spelled 'flower', not 'flowire'), but could be considered mediocre. Decent, if you're feeling generous.

So the book was published and unleashed onto the poor, unsuspecting public.

A week or so later, someone with a lot of power (and money) was messing around and skimming through a dictionary, for reasons unknown. They came across the words 'good', 'standards', 'no', 'book', and 'pathetic'. They toyed around with the words for a bit, using them in different contexts.

Then some other guy decided that Fenoglio's story was real crap and decided to take it upon himself to save humanity and get rid of the atrocious story of Inkheart. He bought the publishing house that was desperate enough to publish anything over sixteen words long and stopped printing anything crap.

In other words: Inkheart.

Now getting rid of the book was fairly simple. No one had wanted to buy the book in the first place, save two morons who were most likely illiterate. He just did a recall on the rest of the books sitting in stores, waiting to be sold.

Now, the historians of the Inkworld are absolutely pathetic, and always refuse to explain anything about everything, so a couple more creative Council members took the matter into their own hands and made something up to serve as the Great Explanation for Why They are There.

Here is the condensed version:

The [Ink]world was created on an early Saturday morning when Susan[1] was tired. Susan got out of bed, made a coffee, and looked down into the oblivion below her. She sipped her coffee thoughtfully, burning her tongue in the process. Never one to be graceful, Susan flailed about in panic and pain, spilling her coffee down the front of her shirt and onto the nice new carpet she had gotten imported from overseas.

Susan's mother came into the room as Susan hopped around the kitchen screaming out creative profanities. She said, "That's not very ladylike."

Susan paused from her jumping and turned to her mother, "I know."

Susan's mother frowned at her daughter and wondered where she had gone wrong. Probably around the time Susan was five and fell off the balcony and hit her head on the concrete. Yes, about then.

"You should do something useful with your life."

So Susan created the [Ink]world.

There were two sides to the [Ink]world. One, of course, would have to be the other's evil twin, because Susan liked horror and action movies, so a dull land full of happiness and peace was out of the question. Side A was Lombrica. Side B was Argenta. In between the two sides was this monstrous forest that Susan had a helluva lot of fun designing and creating. In it, she put as many strange and vicious animals as godly possible, in hopes of a good death scene every so often. There were Night-Mares, wolves, bears, lions, snakes, venomous insects and spiders, and polar bears, amongst other creatures deadlier than…deadly things.

Argenta was an extremely dark and moody place. A perfect landscape for a large ominous castle that will house many psychotic kings, including the beloved Adder. Lombrica was the contrary. There were mountains, and hillsides; meadows, and fields. It's capital, Ombra, was full of life and chatter, especially in the marketplace area.

It was all pretty typical and cliché, but Susan didn't mind because it kept her mother quiet and out of her hair.

Ever hear the saying "you're here for a reason"? Well, in the case of the [Ink]world, it's true. The Strolling Players were created on a rainy day when there was nothing but reruns on TV. Susan made Capricorn and the Fire-Raisers to amuse her cousin Felix when she was babysitting him. Cosimo, because Susan is solitary-confined by her mother and needs some sort of eye-candy.

She made the Piper for comic relief. He's hilarious to listen to.

So that's how the [Ink]world was made. You must not question it's accuracy, because you're just some simple-minded kid who doesn't know anything. It's true. So shut up.

**Footnotes**

[1] Susan is a great deity and religious figure in the Inkworld, amongst others such as Fred and Teddy, Melissa the Great, and Susan's Mother. See chapters 18 and 9 for details.


	8. Chapter 8: Face It, You're Screwed

**A note from the Authoress: Hi. Remember me? You probably don't. But I used to write this story, along with several other [quasi] masterpieces. I went through a sort of identity crisis and spontaneously decided to change my Pen Name. But I'm truly Pink Pigeon, back forever (that's a lie. I'm only here until Megavideo decides to stop being a goddamn jerk and let me watch Doctor Who. In that time, I figured I could sort of throw together a chapter for you, because I'm nice. You're welcome).**

**This idea comes from a review from random-girl101. Thank you, dear. I was too lazy to think of something on my own, and you sort of save me there.**

**Now, allons-y!**

**(Additional note: This chapter sucks. Deeply. I'm sorry, but I rushed, because my show's loaded. Send me more chapter ideas, and I'll try to not take so long this time. Review, please!)**

**Chapter Eight: You've Come Across A Nightmare. Face It, You're Screwed**

Welcome to the Inkworld, where you're pretty much guaranteed a painful and gruesome death. I mean, there loads of ways to die here. The best part is half of them are made public spectacles. Screw movie theaters and television, we've got live action beheadings!

However, with most deaths, there's usually some sort of way to get out of trouble before the axe comes down, if you're smart enough to figure it out at least. There's bargaining and sweet-talking. Some people just make a run for it. But it's common knowledge that the one death there is absolutely no chance escaping is death by those goddamn Night-Mares [1].

Night-Mares are scary, let me tell you. I had one as a pet once. It bit me. And once they've set their minds on killing you, you're screwed. I've sort of seen one in action, based on a Council-operated experiment, and I'm still not entirely sure what the hell happened, but I'm pretty sure poor Dennis is no longer with us, unless he's just ridiculously good at hiding. Which he's not, because I've seen him at parties, playing hide-and-seek. He's that kid who stands there and covers his face with his hands, reasoning that if he can't see you, you can't see him.

Let's just say his brother gave me grief about the ordeal.

Anyway, Dennis's death sort of backed up our belief that we're all screwed with Night Mares are involved. Wild ones, at least. Trained ones only bite.

Now, the only remaining question is: what happens when someone is killed by a Night Mare?

Answer is, we in the Council have no clue, and no one's willing to find out.

We are currently accepting human sacrifices for further research. Apply within.

**FOOTNOTES**

**[1] People in the past have asked what a Night Mare even looks like. Well, it's sort of a cross between a penguin and an elephant who was born slightly deformed. And has rabies.**

**Further elaborated in a later chapter.**


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